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RANTS 2
Okay, back once again, and with a few more of my “rants” about
some of the people and practices within the world of GYM
RATS.
Once again, I will tackle the “personalities” that
we often run into in our training at the local Iron Emporium.
A special thanks to a couple of Web Buddies that helped
remind an old man of some of the guys I’ve meet but
have “repressed” form memory over the years. Sometimes
you just want to put the gym “crap” out of
your mind.
And remember fellow “ranters” When
you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When
you secure a gym membership, …you get a front row
seat. |
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THE SHOWMAN
This guy may well be at the very top of my all time
list of gym rats that get under my skin. You will note, upon
close examination, he is a composite of several of the aforementioned
gym rats. I along with many of my contemporaries refer to his “type” as
thunder lifters… lot of noise
but nothing else.
To put it simply, he talks a great workout, but that’s
where it all ends. He always seem to have “discovered” a
new and totally awesome training program that will accelerate
all his past gains .. Ahh what gains dude? If you’ve
made any, the rest of us are totally unaware of them. You still
look the same, lift the same puny weights, and still talk more
than you lift. If this guy was a farmer, none of his fields would
ever be plowed, but he would surely talk the very soil to death.
He’s a talker, a planner, a schemer, anything but a doer.
Now don’t let me mislead you, he is one hell of a planner.
it is the follow thru he lacks.
I ran into the absolute thunder example in Charleston, SC some
years back, and to make things more graphic, with regard to his
short comings, he trained at the exact time each day that his
exact opposite trained … we’ll call him lighting.
While thunder rumbled and rolled.. All noise and no action,
lightning “struck”, attacking the weights and his
night’s work, with hard core intensity. He lashed out at
the weights and individual sets and reps as if he were determined
to set the very bars ablaze. Never wavering in his single minded
approach to his “mission”, he simply got
the job done! He never searched out super routines or space age training,
it was all work, work, work for this guy. He never went out of
his way to draw attention to himself, but in a deliberate manor
he moved from exercise to exercise with purpose and determination.
His face always set in the same determined stare, as if he was
looking past the pain, past the heat his muscle generated, and
straight to the results that were sure to come down the road.
While thunder put on a show, lighting was getting the job done,
striking out at results, making things happen.
If there is thunder in your workout, you would be well advised
to swap it over for some hard hitting lighting. It isn’t
the smoke, but the fire that gets the burning done! Can you tell
how much I hate this guy? Yep, that’s right, a LOT.
Man of 1000 Excuses
He is a “Man for all Seasons” when it comes to excuses… he
is a firm believer that there is no excuse too feeble or absurd
that it can go unused. He always has someone or something to
blame for everything, but never himself. Oh at times you get
the false impression he is about to take the blame for something,
when he begins with, “My, I’m dragging today, …” but
then he drops the bomb that always missing hitting him. ‘Wife
kept me up half the night, guess I am just too great in bed for
my own good.” Yep not his fault he missed making his reps,
was that nymphomaniac wife of his .. YEAH RIGHT
But for the most part, he has mastered the process of putting
the blame on something that can’t defend itself. You know… pets
( I was late .. Had to walk my hamster) Inanimate objects ( The
clock is slow, broke my concentration) or even one of the best,
relatives living in foreign countries. Now they make perfect
scapegoats.
Oh yes, lest I overlook the ever present reoccurring injury.
You know the type .. Just missed matching your reps on say the
overhead press, and, he quickly grabs his shoulder and damns
that old football injury from High School ( Hmmm seems it was
in his left shoulder last week, or is that just my imagination?)
And these are just a few quick examples, this guy has a million
of them. Don’t let yourself become this guy, if you have
a “bad day” on the bench, remember if you worked
at 100 percent of your capacity, then you did all that could
be done. It is the intensity that matters, not just numbers on
a work sheet. Take the blame, or how can you accept the glory
of a winning effort?
The “Pumper”
Ever remember seeing the show on TV
form some 20 plus years or so back(1983 to 1988) , called “Tales
from the Dark Side”? At the beginning of each show, the
announcer would tell you how we live in two worlds, one of light
and one of darkness. Well the ‘pumper” must come
from the bowls of the dark side, because he is more than a little
scary. He takes narcissism to new levels unheard of in most gyms
but maybe not yours.
Now the ‘pumper” has put in his time and effort,
and as a result he has a respectable physique, and that may have
lead him to this dark place he seems comfortable to reside in.
So, what do I find so infuriating about this gym rat, you ask.
Not that his whole purpose in the gym is to pump his body much
like you would before a bodybuilding event, no not at all, if
he wants to waste his time, well it is his to waste. He seems
to think someone gives a rats fuzzy behind how he looks when
he comes out of the men’s changing area. So, yep you guessed
it, Mr. Pump got ready to make his “entrance” much
like he would take center stage at the Mr. Universe contest.
Oh I’m not talking here about combing his hair (which
by the way is NEVER allowed to become mussed in any way), oh
heaven forbid, no he takes it way past that. I’m talking
about a complete body pump up routine, with pushups and dips
between the chairs, some pump-up moves with the bands he has
hidden in his bag, a few touchups with the artificial tan that
looks “Oh so real” , and the ever-present posing
oil application. A few last minute mirror checks to make sure
his “Look” is just so, then and ONLY then will he
exit the changing room and grace the gym floor with his presence.
It’s this guy and his type that give the rest of us, normal
iron freaks, a bad rap. Get over yourself dude, life without
you will go on, I promise.
And one last “parting shot” … loose the sunglasses
Mr. Kool ! What’s with that whole thing anyway. You
are indoors, if you hadn’t noticed. Oh, I realize YOU think
they are so cool, the rest of the world sees them as DUMB. And
it might cut down on some of the burses you get bumping into
assorted gym equipment.
The “Spot” King
Run, and I do mean run, when this guy offers to spot you. This “gym
rat” is anything but an asset to your training, since the
moment you begin the set, he is SUPPOSE to be spotting he will
immediately begin one of the following (if not all).
As you begin your set, Mr. Spot, will seem very attentive of
every rep, but hey.. Things happen. He may strike up a
conversation with a buddy close by, or some sweet young lady
may catch is eye, or he may even be so taken by the flexing he
is doing in the mirror that he is totally oblivious to you and
the world.
Regardless of “what” has his attention, the key
factor is… IT ISN’T YOU! There is no correction
of your form, no encouragement to “press through the pain”,
and NO outward indication that he even knows you are on the planet
much less the bench in front of him.
And when it comes to actually helping you, just after you are
about to stroke out trying to get the bar off your chest so you
can breathe, you suddenly realize you’ll find better
hands on a leper. This guy would have trouble lifting a paper
towel roll, so he isn’t much help if you have ANYTHING
loaded on the bar. With this guy for a spot, you better have
some serious health insurance.
The STRIPPER
When this guy asks to “work in” the proper and logical
response is something along the lines of “Sure,
you can work in, right after Jesus comes back”. Or, a simple,
Hell NO works for me.
When this fellow stops by to work in, he has a curious picture
of what “working in” means. But, for the information
of any of you gym rats that don’t have a clear perception
of what is involved, it DOESN’T mean you stand and watch
the other guy or guys warm up with 200 and then you strip the
bar down to 95 for your set. If you are working in, it simply
means you come in at the level of the people that are working
on that movement.
But the “stripper” will not only take the extra
time to Unload your weights for his weight, but will then expect
you reload your weight while he “catches his breath”.
So as mentioned before, avoid this guy like he has the pox.
How popular is this guy? If he were to kill everyone that hated
him, it wouldn’t be murder, it would be genocide!
The JOKER
Someone get together with the other members and take up a collection,
and BUY this guy some NEW material.
This gym annoyance has the misimpression that he/she is funny.
Now granted, some of the little quips that pop out of this guys
mouth might have been amusing the first time he was nice enough
to share them with all in ear shot, but after literally months
of the same old thing, all you want to do is give him a wedgie
that comes up high enough to stuff the majority of his shorts
in his mouth.
Come on, for heaven’s sake, if I wanted to be entertained
like this, I’d be lifting at comedy Central not Joe’s
Sweat Shop. And occasional quip is fine and permissible fellows,
but the same ole’ stick, day after day, really serves no
purpose except to make all the guys want to see who can wrap
that Olympic bar around your neck first.
The DIET KING
Here he comes, the “Diet King”. Tried them all, read
every book every written on ALL of them, and is free to share
his immense wealth of knowledge on the subject with anyone DUMB
enough to listen.
Oh, he knows all there is to know about the 1 Day diet, 2 Day
Diet, 3 Day diet, 4 Day diet, and lest we leave it out the 5 Day Miracle Diet. And while we are on diets with numbers, the
6 Week Makeover Diet, and the 7 Step Diet. And he loves talking
about the Adkins, Anna Bruce (who?), Blood Type, Cabbage (Oh
yummy, and you can bet you will dine ALONE on that one), and
Cookie Diets too (Hmmm that last one sounds interesting). And
not to be outdone in any way, he will share with you the “eat” diets
too… Eat Great, Eat More, Eat Right, Eat to Win, and
the Eat Yourself Thin. Oh, and one of my favorite names, the
Hay Diet ( Yes, make like a Kentucky Derby Winner and eat all
you want, you may not loose all that much but I am thinking you’d
sure be “regular”).
I think you get the point, but I could go on. I could list over
120 diets that are actively being followed in this country today
by someone, somewhere. Of course, our diet king will quickly
list an additional 100 or so he has followed.
Now with all this knowledge you have to ask why he has more
chins than a Chinese phone book.
Our, Diet GUY, seems to have trouble grasping the “big
picture” here, but then that would be difficult since his
IQ would indicate he has a really small screen. Dude! No one
will ever know that you've had a lobotomy, if you wear a wig
to hide to the scars and learn to control the slobbering. My,
advice … go for the surgery.
Mr. T and his Crew
Okay is it just me, or has our entire populace
gone celebrity crazy? Everyone seems to be glued to everything
these people do, regardless of how outrageous their actions may
be. And to make things worse, some seem to think that the actions
of these “famous
people” dictate that they mimic them.
Enter Mr. T and his “crew”. They look like a New
York street gang out of a bad “B” movie. To Mr. T
and all his glitter and show, it was this “star” aura
that was most important to him, this semblance of importance
before anyone in the gym had given him any. He has totally missed
the point, respect must be “earned”. And since
he hadn’t or wasn’t going to put forth the work and
effort to earn it, he simply created the artificial presence
of it by beginning in his buddies to lend a false impression
of it, if only in his eyes.
He always brought to mind a quotation I read years ago. Champions
are made, when no one is watching. Acting the part of something
you are NOT only reinforces to those around that you lack what
you seem so desperate to create.
More time taking care of business, less putting on a show would
do this kid a world of good, and make life for those around him
more pleasant. And the t-shirt he seemed to love, the one with
STAR in big letters, he would be well advised to loose, or replace
with one that says JERK. I remain convinced that this guy would
FLUNK a IQ test … even if he cheated.
I pod Junkie…
Okay, ole’ Doc isn’t PC… we’ve
established that by now I am sure. But anti technology?.. Well
not totally, but I have my limits in the gym. I am sure I am
showing my years here, but what’s all this “theme” music
junk? When did our youth become so fixated on a musical background
to their physical activities? Is it the movies?.. You know
Rocky running through the streets of Philly?.. Or TV where, every
action has a musical background to add drama? I personally have
no problems with an individual that uses this musical marvel
to help kill some of the boredom of “cardio”. But
why is it necessary that our junkie friend must dawn his I pod
before even entering the workout area?
Oh, and while I’m at it … what’s with the
volume button? I personally think you have it a bit loud, if
I can hear it from ten feet away. Man, that’s got to hurt,
unless your ear drums are just totally damaged you can’t
hear it any other way. But while you may have problems with your
hearing, the rest of us are just fine, thank you.
Cell Phone Charlie…
The cell phone, a wonderful invention,
and also a potential total pain in the back-side. Now, it is
hard to find a person today that doesn’t have a cell phone,
they are without doubt akin to the rabbit, in that they seem
to multiply at a geometric rate from day to day in this country.
Now granted, there are those individuals that need to keep a
cell phone close by, doctors on call, expectant fathers when
the wife is overdue, but the list is small. My big rant is the
guy that stops a set in mid rep to take a call about picking
up some milk at the market on the way home. Or worse still, gets
a call from his “bud” then sits there for several
minutes chatting about NOTHING while people wait for the sue
of the equipment. It should be legal to shoot these guys and
burry them in the back yard.
Mr. High Five …
Deliver me from this obnoxious chap. And
ever notice how the high fiver is always much older than the
people he hand slaps? I often wonder if he does this to seem
younger or more in touch with the younger crowd. Hasn’t
his guy been in touch over the past decade, so he knows how all
that junk is out of style. I always thought that the basic high
five was given to show above average performance by someone,
not just to say hello. Wonder how this guy
would react if his wife gave him a high five during sex? My
guess is about how I feel when every single time he passes anyone
in the gym he throws up that hand. I want to run over to little “Miss
I have a santi-wipe”, you never know
where that hand has been, my mom would say . Get over it
Dude, and move on.
Oh and I have the same opinion on the wonders of the “chest
bump” too. Geeze.. When do little boys really grow up?
The Exercise Version of Rip Van Winkle
Okay I must admit
up front, that I had reservations about listing this guy. Oh,
not because he doesn’t belong in
a rants list, far from it. Rather, because I had doubts that
most would even believe the following. As crazy as it may seem
to most, it actually did happen. I still have trouble believing
it, and I was there.
I feel certain, we all share the same disgust in the gym when
it comes to someone that HOGS a certain piece of equipment. You
know the one, he just can’t seem to pull himself away from
that “special” movement that he is good at, and seems
to do countless “extra” sets for what seems an eternity,
when others are waiting for the bench or machine that he is occupying
like a bear in hibernation.
Now this guy, Ole Rip, carries this to some real extremes. Believe
me, this guy is only alive because it’s illegal to shoot
him.
Now, I observed this young man, not at my
club, but at another
facility I was visiting, and I like to think that he’d
NEVER do this at my club. Well.. Only ONCE anyway.
The work I was doing with a client that day, took us into the
area of the gym where the Olympic Benches were set up. Now while
we were not using any of those benches, they were in our view,
and it became apparent to me that one was being monopolized to
a degree I hadn’t seen before.
During our work in that area of the gym, I noticed that this
one fellow had been on a particular bench the entire time
we were within his view. Some ten minutes or more. A closer
examination of the gym rat in question make it crystal clear
to me that not only was he NOT engaged in training but he wasn’t
even moving.
When one of the gym’s staff walked by I pointed this out
to him. “ I don’t mean to be a bother, but you may
want to check on the fellow over on the bench, he may possibly
be in need of some help, he hasn’t moved in the last ten
minutes or so.”
The young man took a quick look in the direction of the bench
and his reply was more than just a bit of a shock.
“Oh, that’s Tyler. There isn’t a problem,
he’s just asleep again.”
Now I may be a bit “old fashion” in some of my approaches
to training, but moving at such a snail’s pace that you
nod off to sleep between sets, that’s a rant that needs
addressing. Wouldn’t you agree?
So, the next time you find yourself in a similar position, and
feel a little longer rest between sets is called for, remember
Tyler, and try not to make that big an ass out of yourself in
front of the other members.
And just as a footnote to all this. Old Tyler did actually remain
on the bench until shortly before I left the gym that day, so
20 minutes. He might have been longer in his total state of relaxation
if it were not for the rather large and indigent fellow that
needed the bench.
As I look about and observe all the individuals
that make up the “gym community”, I am reminded
that God must surely have a sense of humor.
Until next time .. RANT ON DUDES .. RANT ON !
In your training, as in your life, ..make a statement!
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