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Doc’s Gym “RANTS”
A Collection of Some of My Pet Gym Gripes
And assorted things in the gym that drive me NUTTS
Let’s start with the gym community. That collaboration
of iron worshipers that congregate together in the pursuit
of physical prowess and fitness. Now those of us that are,
PC, would say that we are all equal in our search for our
individual goals, and to some extent that is true, but
look around people.
Some things just never seem to fail to amaze me, even
after all the years , hell decades, I’ve spent in
the gym with my brothers and sisters in Iron. Most of the
time you can avoid them by picking that “dead” time
of day when you pretty much have the weights to yourself,
but it seems life will always have its little joke and
thrust you back into that “Twilight Zone” where
you can’t escape THEM. |
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They are to me, the perfect version of a “gym hemorrhoid”,
yep you got it … a pain in the ass.
We've all seen them, worked out next to them( all the while
trying NOT to be next to them). You may have even “worked
in with them” from time to time and complained to your
buddies about them - those guys who do things in the gym that
are , worthless, annoying, often dangerous, or just plain stupid.
For all the talk about and all the valuable information available
on exercise form, these guys somehow still don't get it and are
constantly annoying or amusing us. Mostly just annoying to everyone
within ear shot or view of them.
You've probably seen one, know one, may train with one, or
dare I say it - you may even be one! Don't think that just because
you're not a cherry (new to the scene), you're immune.. Hell
most of the people I see committing these sins have been at it
for a while, some even have half way decent builds. Take a look
below and see if you recognize anyone. If the person you recognize,
happens to be the same guy you see in the bathroom mirror each
morning, now would be a good time to change some things.
And never let it be said ‘Ole Doc is PC” and with
that in mind, I have taken a few moments and given these “gentlemen” names
fitting their attire and actions. Bet you can add a few, feel
free to log on and leave your pet rants.
And remember no one
is safe here, no subject taboo.
Some of My… Biggest Rants At The
Gym
The Iron Warrior .. Or Thor… God
of Iron If you Please
The Iron Warrior is “everywhere” I truly think
there is at least one in every gym, with the possible exception of “Curves”.
He arrives at the “war zone” (gym) in full battle
gear. Lifting uniform (including an always dirty T-shirt), Blast shirt, super
wide lifting belt (looks like something a Budweiser Clydesdale would have hooking
him to the wagon), wraps for ALL joints, lifting straps (deluxe leather of
course), gloves, and his own special chalk. And his arrival is NEVER unnoticed
by the other gym members, since he always booms out his entrance at the top
of his lungs. Most of the days, as he enters, he will with great enthusiasm
blast the decimal meter with “Let’s lift heavy boys, it’s
a good day to die”. And should not EVERY head turn in his direction,
he is not above making the announcement twice. Lord knows I have often
had the temptation to grant his wish, go ahead and kill him and take him out
of the gene pool. But then I’d have to drag that huge bellied monster
of stupidity out to the back dumpster, and thought it not worth the work.
Yes Thor is the stereotypical picture of what your grandmother
is afraid you will become. And I am always almost brought to
tears of laughter when “Ole” Thor makes his way to
the 20 pound dumbbells, to begin his “Battle” with
the Iron. Guess that heavy weight is why he has that belt pulled
so tight, heck one more notch and he turns blue.
Better to play the part than LOOK the part, not that I can imagine
why anyone would want to look like that .. In or out of the gym.
If you have him at your gym, burn some candles, or incense, and
call up your local witch doctor, you might be able to exorcise
him… Good luck. Guys like that die hard .. Right Thor?
Mr. I Only Use Free Weights …
You can’t hang in the gym very long until HE comes up and
you are “blessed” with the news that he is a true
proponent of the lost art of “free weight” training.
He banishes this information around and wears it like a badge
of courage and dedication on his sleeve. Quick to announce this
facet of his “vast” knowledge and experience to
all, whether they want the info or not.
As for myself, a person NEVER accused of being “bashful” or
unwilling to point out things to individuals, I am more than
willing to, upon investigation into this man’s actual training
process, that he isn’t really in fact doing what he says
he is.
Sitting back, quietly and unobserved, I watch my Free weight” advocate,
move through his workout. Taking some mental notes as me moves
from exercise to exercise. Let’s see, Leg extensions (a
machine) Leg curls ( a machine) Oops .. He’s doing leg
presses .. (another machine). Later on down the line, he includes
Hammer Incline Presses (wait that’s a machine) Then cable
crosses(hmmm yep machinery in use). Get the picture???
If you are going to USE free weights, then use them and only
them if they are the KEY to success. Let me think … that
would be ONLY barbells and dumbbells and NOTHING ELSE. I know
of NO gym that offers ONLY free weight training, unless I take
into account a friend’s garage setup … Three bars,
and some dumbbells. So .. What is my point?
If you are going to walk around beating your chest and proclaiming
the superiority of free weights, then stick to them and ONLY
them… they work for sure, but how much work can you accomplish?
Most of your “precious” gym time is spent loading
and reloading and moving them all over the place, and MAKE sure
you pass all those NASTY machines in the process, or you are
a walking contradiction of your own words.
The Sasquatch
Okay guys, granted we all have body hair, and yes some have “more” of
this manly attribute, but if you’re walking around with your arms looking
like you have your lats fully expanded, and the reason is that your arms are
actually resting on six pounds of body hair growing out of your “pits” then
for the sake of all around you, ditch the tank top for a large T or a sweat
shirt. Trust me guys, as much as you may want to tell yourself that all that “growth” is
a chick magnet, it really isn’t. It turns off both sexes. I doubt if
any of the other members expect you to shave, but for the sake of all, at least
cover up that hairy mattress you are carrying around.
I know there are those that say we sprang from apes, in your
case, I think he didn’t make the jump far enough.
The Self-motivator
This guy is both annoying, amusing, and at times a bit disturbing.
If your going to talk to yourself, could you just be a little less conspicuous.
He’s a mumbler, at times, but then he can get very loud if he feels he
is being overlooked by the “herd” he always places himself in the
middle of. It is even more “disturbing” when you hear him going
through his little motivational talks between sets, speaking “to himself” as
in the third person. But then I guess there is something to be said
for this guy training alone … I sure don’t want to team up with
him. Especially as I stand and listen to him jack himself up for those 95 pound
benches he is working on. Come on my fellow iron buds, how much motivation
does it take to lift what your Mom can lift?
Social Butterfly or Leach To Most
This type of guy isn’t as rare as nature should have made
him , but you don't want to run into him none the less. This
dude walks about the gym as if he’s attending some local
tea given by society members. And just like at a social he will
stop and discuss topics with anyone, but is careful never to
offend. He will discuss lifting, diet, religion, politics, or
life in general with you, more often than not in great detail.
And regardless of your opinion on the topic, he will always politely
agree with all points, no matter how ridiculous your opinion
may be. And should you actually give this social maggot the time
of day you are hooked for the rest of your training time that
day. He has now attached himself at the hip with you and it will
take a stick of dynamite to get him off. Can’t speak for
all, but I am not above telling this leach just what will happen
to him if he interrupts me again in the middle of a set of squats.
Doubt he will look very good wearing this bar as a neck tie.
Mr. PANTS So Tight We Can See A Freckle
On Your Butt
Now, really … does this need a great deal of explanation?
I think it is self-explanatory. If you have the slightest hint
that you might fall into this category.. Run
don’t walk to K-Mart and find that
darn blue-light special and get some pants that FIT! Oh,
and this character isn’t gender specific,
so ladies take from me, you need pants that fit, not that cling,
especially if you haven’t carved off that 20 pounds in
your hips you are working on.
Mr. LUNGS Like A Fog Horn
No matter what weight this guy is using, or what rep he's on,
he feels the need to share his pain with us. Heck at times
I have heard him before I even made it IN the gym. Nothing
like hearing that boom across the parking lot, helps business
I have no doubt. A certain amount of noise is understandable,
and even expected on certain movements (i.e., squats or
dead lifts), but nobody wants to hear you yell through 4 sets
of 20 pound dumbbell curls..
JACK THE JOCK … or MORE
CORRECTLY “EX” JOCK
Please, someone deliver me from this idiot.
Jack looks about like a JOCK the way my grandmother would look like a jock,
actually Granny had more facial hair, so she might have a better chance at
pulling the jock thing off than Jack. 20 years ago, he dominated the local
power lifting scene. I know this because I've heard him tell his story at
least 50 times. It's either right before or right after he looks in your
direction and says: "I used to lift more
than this. Bad shoulder ya know, but in my day…”
Every time a young guy with a decent build comes near him he
asks, "What‘s your max on the bench?" This inevitably
leads to a retelling of past glories. Complete with acting
out, to include facial expressions, all his past lifting glories. Hey
buddy, leave the kids alone - it's over. And really you look
more like the Pillsbury Dough Boy than anything else, so deal
with it, and move on.
Bobby Knight or The Gym Shot Putter
Run, duck, but most of all get out of the way when this guy ends
a set. This guy feels the need to launch any weight he's just
finished using, especially dumbbells, onto the floor. Not only
is this a hazard for anyone near him, it breaks down the dumbbells.
I have no doubt he and Bobby Knight must have been related. He
should seek employment in the NBA or maybe as a postal worker
( now there’s a scary thought).
Losing control when lowering weights might happen once in awhile,
but launching the weights so everyone can look and see how much
you used is totally pathetic. And what’s with that “Yeah
baby, that’s what I mean” thing at the end of each
set?
Bill and Bob …The Tag Team ..WWF
Lifters
I thought this one was overstated by everyone, until I joined
my latest gym. The team, as the name implies, is actually two
guys working together to lift the same weight.
This is almost always on the bench press, where one guy loads
the bar up and his friend helps him pull every rep after the
second one. Helps to the point that the spotter’s face
is even redder than the guy benching.
I've even seen instances where a guy was helped on all of his
reps. Rhetorical question time: If you need all that help to
bench 400 lbs, are you really benching 400? I
say buy the spotter a trophy to go along with that truss he will
be wearing soon. He deserves the one and
will need the other.
The Party Dudes
Another one that borders on cliché: You've seen the group
of guys - usually high school to early 20's - lifting together.
They almost always congregate at the bench or preacher station.
They hog up this area without seeming to do any work. They may
not be lifting, but it is sure a party over there. Loud, obnoxious,
and totally distracting.
They're more interested in what party they're going to or which
chick they're trying to score with. Lord help you if you want
to bench when they're around. My suggestion, ear plugs .. BIG
ones. Or a large caliber hand gun to put them out of YOUR misery.
Mr. I Am A Total Ass
I couldn't think of more appropriate name for the guy who loads
up a bar or machine, does his reps and leaves it. The next
person is then stuck with the task of unloading the 300 lbs
his friend just helped him bench. I get pissed just thinking
about it. Not to mention the assortment of dumbbells he leaves
for everyone to trip over, and “admire” in front
of the rack. Just a lift away from racking them back up, and
our “Strong Man” can’t heft them back on
the rack, Oh Louise.. Give me a break.
I am convinced that if this guy were to kill all the people
that hate him, it wouldn’t be murder .. It would be genocide.
The Lost Boy This
Guy Needs a Compass
This guy could easily identify with Moses and the Tribes of Israel
and their 40 year trek through the desert. He seems to have
combined his love of walking with weightlifting. His routine:
load the bar up, do a set, walk around the gym for 10 minutes
and repeat 4 or 5 times. My favorite is when they load up a
bar, leave it in the squat rack and come back and curl it.
Same amount of time - twice the jackass. Right, you need all
that “rest” and jack up time to curl a 55 pound
Olympic bar.
Richard Simmons II
Every time I see this dude in my gym he's either on his way to,
or coming out of an aerobic class.
Sometimes I think he does it to meet chicks, but then I remember
his stylin' headband and Richard
Simmons-like build. So, I’m
sure that is a total bust.
Oh and guy, you just might want to add some diet into all that
jump and hop time, because it isn’t working, if you doubt,
check out the paunch you have sneaking a peek over your belt.
Rack And Roller
This has to be seen to be believed: this guy goes to the dumbbell
rack, picks the dumbbells off the rack, places them on the
floor and then rolls them to whatever bench he's working on.
When he's done, he rolls them back. It's a good thing too...
I mean I wouldn't want him to exert himself. Especially funny
when they're hex dumbbells! Love that flop flop sound they make,
don’t you?
Charlie Bandana…
Charlie shows up to the gym in clothes that would embarrass Hulk
Hogan. Apparently, he learned everything he knows about gym
attire from reading Muscle and Fiction... in 1980.
The bandana, clown pants (ie. Karate Pants or “Baggies” yeah
I like that one, most look like they are carrying a well use
diaper under that thing ), and to complete this beautiful ensemble
combat boots. And if bad enough, how about all the silly
muscle T-shirts ("Fear This! “Beautiful Body Under
construction") that really push him over the top. I'm sure
he feels ultra hardcore, but he looks like a fool. Got any of
this “gear”? My strong suggestion .. In your best
interest, call Good Will.
Bounce King
It's bad enough to watch people perform “max” lifts
that wouldn’t pass in a local home garage lifting meet,
but to bounce the bar off their chest with what appears
to be enough force to crush the average rib cage, what’s
with that? But the bounce king carries it a bit further into
the realm of absurd. The elbows are wrapped, he has on his “blast
shirt” and then he places a thick rubber pad over his chest,
to “protect” from the monster weight of 350 he is
lifting. Keep this guy away from me, that crap might
be contagious.
The King Of Muscle and Fiction
I see guys carry bodybuilding mags around
the gym all the time. Usually they're trying to follow some bullshit
30-set routine; I feel bad for them but it doesn't really bother
me. What irritates me is the guy reading this garbage in between
sets. Come on now, you know and everyone else knows you poured
through those pages until the ink has left some of the pages,
long before you got here.
But the guy that really got to me one day, was the young kid
with his copy of Bill Pearls “Keys to the INNER Universe.
This poor smuck was in the process of trying to, from the looks
of it, do “EVERY” Biceps movement listed in that
huge text. ( that’s like 250 movements) Needless to say
he didn’t make it through the first two pages, but he did
vow to try to get a few more in next time . If stupid was worth
a nickel, this guy would be Bill Gates. I bet his brain feels
as good as new, seeing that he’s never used it based on
his actions.
Leave the mags and books at home, just pick a few (very few)
hard movements and then work so hard you feel like you can taste
you lunch from last Tuesday … makes much more muscle and
sense.
So there’s just a few of the guys that drive me nuts in
the gym .. Drop me a line, share your Nut Parole Observations. Till
next time I need to Vent.
RANT On Gym Buds .. RANT on.
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